Coca-Cola Makes Your Balls Bigger, New Study Suggests

Ever been insecure about the girth of your goolies? A new study might have found a surprising shortcut for turning your marbles into tennis balls and increasing your testosterone levels to boot. Here, we break down the research, its results, and the reasons to be tentatively cheerful…

Are you a self-confessed “coke addict” like British PM Rishi Sunak? Well, we might have some good news for you. Soft drinks regularly, and rightly, catch a lot of flack in the media for their plentiful health drawbacks, but new research may have found a silver lining in the Coca-Cola cloud.

In results that seem to contradict much of the accepted doctrine around soft drinks, as well as historic studies that suggest sugary drinks can make men less fertile, researchers in China have completed a study on rodents that actually suggests the opposite is true.

The study, undertaken by scientists at the Northwest Minzu University in China, had initially set out to confirm that sugary drinks were bad for male fertility, in line with previous studies that had shown soft drink consumption to lead to an increase in ovary mass in female rodents.

However, by the end of their experiment, it became apparent that male adult mice who had drunk Coca-Cola (or Coke’s perennial rival Pepsi, for that matter) consistently for fifteen days actually had higher testosterone levels and larger genitals than their water-drinking peers.

The experiment ran like this: 30 male mice were placed into one cage with a water bottle containing 50% Pepsi and 50% tap water. Another 30 mice were put into a cage with a water bottle containing pure Pepsi. These two cages were then replicated but with Coca-Cola in place of Pepsi. A fifth control group, running on pure rap water, were also present.

The mice were then left for 15 days, drinking as much or as little as they pleased and having their testicles measured every few days or so.

On the final day, those mice that had been drinking pure Pepsi or Coca-Cola were found to have significantly higher-mass testicles than those in the 50-50 and control groups.

They were also found to have significantly higher levels of testosterone than the other groups, with around 30 nanomoles per litre compared to 23 nanomoles in the control group.

How does Coke make your balls bigger?

Why is this the case? Experts remain unsure. Previously, some evidence had been put forward to suggest that high caffeine intake can boost testosterone production, leading to higher sperm count and larger testes. Given the concentrated caffeine content in both these soft drinks, this could be a factor.

Perhaps more importantly: why does it matter? The research team believe the study could have significant importance for studies into human male health conditions:

“Our findings provided the scientific bases for fully understanding carbonated beverage effects and their mechanism on development and reproduction functions of humans, but also benefit to prevent prostate dysfunction and cancer.”

Northwest Minzu University Research Team

Though the results of the study make for eyebrow-raising reading and could potentially lead to advances in science around male-specific cancers for blokes around the world, this isn’t a go-ahead to trot down to the store and start guzzling cola like it’s your last day on earth…

Not only does this study not shed any light on the long-term impacts of high soft drink consumption, but testicle growth doesn’t discount historic evidence connecting soft drinks to a whole host of health issues, including but not limited to heart disease, obesity, diabetes, tooth decay, and high blood pressure.

There’s nothing better than finding out that a bad habit might actually have just enough good in it to justify your continued self-abuse. As an avid consumer of fizzy brown liquids myself, this study piqued my interest.

But before you head out to buy yourself a two-litre bottle of the good stuff, consider the age-old question: is there any point in having gargantuan goolies if your stomach’s too big to see them?

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